Introductions

Staring at the pile of clothes next to the bed at two in the morning with a caffeine hangover and the considerable beginnings of a mid-life ulcer forming in my gut (the spot where I imagine I can feel the adrenaline surge every time anxiety smacks me) I finally gave in to the realization that sleep wasn't coming any time soon. 


It's not like me to loose sleep. It's also not like me to be the pitiful husk of a wretch that has been moping around in my skin the previous three days. Uncharacteristic stress over work and new concerns for my health have been feeding on themselves, creating the very realities I was afraid of. 


I know better than to feed that negative downward spiral, but that's what I was doing. And simply telling myself to stop wasn't all that effective. But something finally clicked for me there in the dark, listening to the rhythmic breath of the beautiful dreamer next to me and trying to force my thought train onto a more positive track. 

I stopped pushing, or worrying about the train at all and just let my mind wander. This is a trick I learned from my first mother-in-law. She was a hypnotherapist, and I was one of her guinea pigs while she was in training. The trick is to think of one simple, positive image relating to yourself and then follow the trail of where that leads. 

I started with an image of me in a white dress I used to love wearing when I was in college. I looked really good in that dress. This led to thoughts of a healthier time when I was dancing four or five hours a day on top of work and other school classes. A time before bunions and back surgery and the general fatigue that's been plaguing me of late. I remembered being strong and healthy and having a body at full capacity. 

Oddly enough, I then imagined being even more powerful and capable then I was back then. "Why not?" The question seemed almost to come from outside of me. A tantalizing speculation. What if I could be healthier at 40 then I had been at 20? I suppose it's possible. I don't see why not. I haven't been left debilitated by my back injury or other health issues. In fact, a little regular exercise would probably clear up a lot of the concerns I've had of late. 


Of course I've thought that a thousand times in the last few days. But there's a difference between berating yourself for what you're not doing and proposing a new vision of sorts. 

Along with the idea came a keen desire to document my journey. I want to be able to look back in a year or two or five and see the progress I've made. And I want proof of the work I'm putting in along the way. 

So here I am; recording for any who cares to see. I have a lot of ideas of where to go from here and what to include in this accounting, but the most important thing was just to get started - especially while the ideas were still fresh and exciting. 

I think this is enough rambling for now. I'll paint a clearer picture of my plans and intentions in future posts.